The problem this solves
Most adults choose long-term partners using one or two signals — chemistry, surface compatibility, current life-stage fit — and discover the rest over decades. The honest research suggests the signals that predict long-term relationship satisfaction are different from the signals that predict early chemistry, and most courtship doesn't surface them.
This micro-course is the deliberate version. Vetting that goes beyond spark. Self-knowledge about your own patterns. Honest conversation about the topics that destroy more partnerships than infidelity (money, in-laws, children, location, sex, religion, work-life). It's framed for adults dating intentionally — including those re-partnering after a long relationship.
A taste of the exercise
The preview lesson walks you through writing your ‘pattern paragraph’ — the two or three things you reliably do in relationships that don't serve you — and the corresponding vetting questions you'd ask in a new one.
Key concepts
- Spark vs fit
- Spark predicts the first six months; fit predicts the next thirty years. Spark is necessary; fit is the part most adults don't test for.
- High-stakes topic alignment
- Money, children, in-laws, location, religion, work-life, intimacy. Misalignment on any of these is recoverable; misalignment on most of them isn't.
- Pattern audit
- Honest accounting of the patterns you bring into relationships. Most adult relationship trouble repeats; recognising your patterns surfaces who you actually need to vet for.
- Vetting cadence
- Conversations that surface fit, sequenced over months. Not interrogations; not impulsive disclosure either.
- Trauma-bonding vs love
- Intense early attachment driven by unresolved patterns can feel exactly like love. The discriminator is what the relationship is like when it's calm.
- The pre-cohabitation conversation
- One long, honest conversation about how money, household labour, conflict, and sex will work — before moving in together. Materially reduces year-one strain.
Common mistakes
- Filtering by spark and being surprised by fit.
- Skipping the pre-cohabitation conversation.
- Assuming the topics that matter will surface themselves.
- Choosing the partner who matches your unresolved pattern.
- Confusing intensity for love.
- Treating differences in core values as ‘we'll work it out.’